Yesterday I watched Guru. I’ll grant Mani Ratnam credit for an idea, but the movie was bad, corny and full of cliches and interesting subplots (which evolved into pointless indulgences due to lack of crafting and direction). I decided to accept these subplots as a sketch of Guru’s life and make my peace with it, mainly because I am in love with Vidya Balan. I found the character of Guru to be well crafted and well conceived, I liked it. However, they had to adapt the character to fit it into the hollywoodish unsatisfying conclusion of the movie. If I watch the movie again, I think I’ll be able to distinguish between the character fleshed out on the screen writer’s desk and the one adapted in Mani Ratnam’s chamber.

I spent a lot of time feeling disoriented by my spatial discomforts (accentuated by scenes where the audience’s perspective moves with the swings), feeling dizzy, not looking at the screen and trying to catch glimpses of the background music, which I liked. My recollection of the movie is skewed, but I think the one thing I liked a lot was the scene where Madhavan proposes Vidya Balan, mainly because of what they say, even though I have heard those things in many different disguises in many different contexts. The rain, the music, the sea, it was all nice, but what I liked the most was the moment when Vidya says that beauty doesn’t last, that it becomes shallow (eventually). Since that is something I have spent some time on being depressed about, it evoked images of men succumbing to their isolation in my mind, where every man is someway or the other a restatement of my loneliness. Anyway, Madhavan ignores her statement and the underlying insecurity, and chooses to live life while it lasts. It did make me hopeful for a moment, because I was thinking about myself at that time. Can life be embraced with that kind of simplicity? My little experience so far has been a little depressing – it looks like life can be embraced only with that kind of simplicity. I have found that thinking about life and love and beauty and intelligence at any nontrivial level of depth shatters my illusion, and I seem to be incapable of being happy without being deluded.

I could go on here and keep on vomiting exaggerated descriptions of myself, but I am tired of that too. I have unfortunately lost most of the illusions about myself (I can already hear comments screaming “that’s what you think, sucker!”). My reply to that, is, fuck off.

Whatever. There was also a nice song there, “Jaage Hain.” I felt the song in three different levels as I heard it. The first one of them is the intended one, where the lyrics of the song paraphrases the theme of Guru’s conclusion.

The second one is the one you talk about if you went to the movie with a bunch of engineering students. How many times have we all asked for those few moments to sleep on and dream about super models, citing long hours in the night as a reason!

The third one is what I really felt when listening to the song. It’s from an escapist point of view, one where I am asking for a few more moments to ignore the reality and slip into my dreams where I don’t know the difference between the two. It sums up a defeated life, where I am asking for a second chance only to complete in my dream the life I had dreamt up of. It felt wonderful, because the music (not the words) convinced me that the difference between the dream and my life doesn’t matter, that I could spend all my life dreaming like that.

I am getting too verbose to make any sense. There might be many contradiction in what I have written, and I guess with time I’ll not recognize my own thoughts.


Incorrigible Introvert

I wouldn't pretend I have a worthy tale to tell, I have only the ramifications of a twisted mind to sell.
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