For the first time in years, I don’t miss Anshul all that much! And anyone who has seen me writing in all this time will realise that for the first time I am also writing in a somewhat personal way. I don’t have to hide behind the alternate details I usually make up for my life, I don’t have to entertain anyone! For the first time, I don’t mind being myself, unafraid of the banalities and unafraid of the judgements. Anshul will spot this, I think.
Ah, but then I might be deluding myself. :)
And given how much books and people can influence me, no wonder I have acquired a new way of writing, thanks to hours of chatting. Now I use “like,” “as in,” smilies, “stuff,” “thing,” incomplete sentences, brackets, uncapitalised first letters and god knows what else! More informal and more relaxed, though I still spend hours trying to think up the right words to express exactly what I mean.
Which is another lesson I have learnt. No matter how precisely I try to put myself across, people will interpret me in terms of their lives, and the meanings will never be the same. So I might as well go for the most interesting expression instead of the most precise expression. But to unlearn myself’ll take time. I’ll quote Wilde – In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing.
I updated my orkut profile after about two years, but now I am going to remove it all, going back to the nihilistic motif of my profile :), so I thought I’ll put the stuff here, now that I treat BL like a personal scrapbook!
I actually remember the last time I updated the profile, because I didn’t update the profile! I asked someone who is really great with women (he has a serious girlfriend now, and I have no idea if he would like his name mentioned, and anyway he didn’t appreciate being termed a womaniser in the farewell speech (I was the guy in charge of writing things for such occasions)!) to “train” me on how to go about chatting up women! So we sat down one day and (he) gave my profile to a very nice, respectable and stable makeover (though I like going crazy talking about me, we didn’t think it would win any brownie points with girls! so I told him what I liked and what I didn’t and he put it nicely there with the target audience on mind), and in general looked up some sensible girls, browsed through their blogs etc, and made some intelligent, sane and friendly comments.
(But how can I talk about that guy not mentioning that he is one of the best poets I know. not someone to write a nice poem or two once in a while, but someone who captures something of his life, and hence of all our lives, when he writes. he is there on the BL blogroll.)
I kept logging into Orkut for the next day. But those days I was more into Cecilia, and though I didn’t get to spend much time with her with so many in the crowd, we were always in touch, be it making the odd movies or playing games. (Cecilia was Anshul’s comp, and she took away many fond memories and a lot of important stuff, including my directorial and acting dÃ©but, when she died :(. I don’t know how Anshul coped.). I forgot to log into Orkut for two months after that day and thus ruined the careful efforts of my poet friend.
Left to myself, I would go to people’s scrapbooks and post offending and sometimes disgusting limericks, though nothing as extreme as Achal’s crazy limericks. :)
In fact, that is how I met the girl I am seeing now! More about that in the next post.