Clearing up my old stuff, I stumbled across quite a bit of ancient history. New year, new beginning and I am going to get rid of all the old papers etc, but this time I am going to save the parts I like on this blog.
Today’s item is a letter to Rainbow which was never sent. Talks about books, music, movies and mathematics have been censored (removed, mostly) lest it should give a hint towards the time and place and context of this letter. Everything deemed to be personal has been removed too. And then there was the shameless self obsession of a typical teenager which I found embarrassing after all these year (thank god for that, I have done some growing up, though I don’t claim to have grown out of my self obsession! :)).
This is from a man abjectly hopeless in his effete existence. Take it for what you will.
I am just kidding.
But you shouldn’t have forced me to write. You made me remind myself of the proverbial fool who doesn’t have something to say but only has to say something.
**** blah blah blah – life, universe and everything else ****
Not knowing what we have to do in this life and this world might be a trifle depressing to get on with, but one can learn to live with that, everyone does. But try living without the slightest idea about what you usually do! That more or less sums up my life since I came back. You’ll remember I had to call you to ask where I lived after arriving here. Things have not improved since then. It’s as if I forgot my entire life in the month I was away. Today I had to sit down and look at all the scattered coupons and brochures to remember what I usually ate for lunch!
**** blah blah blah – mathematics ****
My submission to this tedium and loneliness in this unfashionable, unimaginative and unromantic manner is so torturingly slow that I wish I had been a pervert. So that I could entertain myself! Perversion in other people, no matter how original and refreshing, is disgusting. I think perversion is entertaining only when you are in charge.
**** blah blah blah – blah blah blah ****
To continue with the old theme, what is mathematics without sets, and what is art without curves? And what good is a woman without a set of curves for that matter, one is tempted to ask.
**** blah blah blah – common friends ****
… but I can’t help adding a thing or two about girls, love and other demons. If G doesn’t throw in the rope in about an year or so, I guess it’ll be time for you to move on or try harder, whatever you decide. I don’t care. You are stupid and I don’t care.
I would be amused if you turned out to be exactly how I have known you. If all I know about you is all that there is to be known.
I am not saying the Rainbow I know is inadequate. There are so many details about and around you and I can’t see you through them. Too many details that might seem adequate. It is not details, but dimensions of you that I assume. I write assuredly because I know you are not the man I have known.
I have always believed that it takes a woman to know a man, and more often than not, a man to not know a woman.
What I’m trying to say is – you need a woman in your life. Do not pine the years away after your own Estella.
I’ll quote something to you from Vikram Seth.
Time siddles by : on television
The soaps dissolve, the jingles change.
Defeat or pity or derision
Constricts our heart. Our looks grow strange
Even to us. The grail, perfection,
Dims, and we come to view rejection
As an endurable result
Of hope and trial, and exult
When search or risk or effort chances
To grant us someone who will do
For love, and who may love us too -
While those who wait, as age advances,
Aloof for Ms. or Mr. Right
Weep to themselves in the still night.
**** blah blah blah – unspeakable things! :) ****
There is only one thing infinitely more pathetic than to have lost the woman you love, and that is to have won her and realised that you are gay!
**** blah blah blah – unmentionable things! :) :) ****
Before I came back, I spent a night in Vic’s house. Vic, Ced, the Bitter friend and I. We talked about the old days and realised how much we have changed. My hilarious encounters with mathematics teachers. Ced’s minor flirtations with college politics. Sophika Naaz (I never saw her, by the way. I don’t even know how to spell her name. I don’t even know if that is her name!). The Vic-Herm-Ced angle and then my stories. It was hard to believe we were talking about ourselves.
A lot of secrets were spilled (confirmed, more accurately). No surprises though. I, as always, had no secrets. The only question I was asked was to name the girls I had crushes on after I left, and I offered to list out all the girls I ever had crushes on. I was merely being sadistic. It was just like high school, when I would walk up to unsuspecting victims and offer to cut their throats with a plastic scale.
They begged me to stop by the time I reached class 7. Then we went on to bitch about you.
**** blah blah blah – other stuff, the end! ****